Sand underneath my fingernails

El amanecer en la playa de mi tierra, I walk on the beach, stop to stretch and do some yoga, el poder de las olas y el cielo me llenan de paz, the sand sticks to my skin and gets under my fingernails and I welcome this little bit of nature. I am here only a moment, un momento nada más, un momento aquí en la playa, un momento en mi tierra natal, un momento con mis amigos, un momento para celebrar mi cumpleaños, un momento con mi papá que no me conoce, un momento que cambia a otro momento y pronto ya no estoy aquí, no estoy aquí en mi tierra natal, no estoy aquí en la playa viendo el sol amanecer, no estoy aquí con mis amigos celebrando la Vida, no estoy en mi tierra natal y en otro momento no estoy aquí en la Tierra...no estoy, no estoy, NO ESTOY; me pregunto ¿dónde estaré? en aquel momento.

Well, I didn't mean to get so heavy so early in the morning. Me parece que el pasado y el presente se chocan cuando viajo a mi tierra natal, tantas memorias, tanto tiempo, tantos cambios...but we must accept what is, isn't that right? What choice do we have anyway? What is, is, whether we like it or not, whether we accept it or not, each moment moves into the next moment and the next and the next and it's all pretty miraculous when you think about it, but maybe we shouldn't think too much about it, just live it, just live each moment the best we can, that's all we can do now isn't it? Oh, god, here I go again...I am so grateful for each and every moment Life has given me and keeps on giving me, the sunrises, the sunsets, the sand in my fingernails, las personas en mi vida que me mandan felicidades desde lejos para mi cumpleaños, este cumpleaños tan.........ummmmm.....¿importante? ¿grande? okay, tan más de medio siglo, otra década que pasó rápido, pero si vivo los momentos como si fueran largísimos, entonces el tiempo ya no existe....o existe de otra forma. Por ejemplo:

This has been the longest Fall I have ever experienced in my life because I have been so present, really present feeling every day, every sunrise, every sunset, every moonrise, every starry night, every cloudy night, every rainy day, breathing every breath of air to the fullest. It makes a difference, it really does, and I refuse to be sad, I refuse to let sadness or regret get into my body. My father is dying, but he is dying with a powerful life still in him, if that's possible. He is still stuck in a body that doesn't work for him anymore with a mind that is not functioning, but his heart is beating and strong too. He can't move but his heart is beating, beating, beating and he doesn't want to be here, I know, but Life won't let him leave just yet. Is this sad? Es triste para mí verlo así, pero tengo que aceptar lo que la Vida le da. No tengo alternativa. I can wish for things to be different, but what good does that do? Life is what it is even if we don't understand it. I am grateful for the care he receives, for the people around him who somehow see him for who he really is, not the demented persona he seems to be at times. He has his good days and his bad days. I try to look beyond all that. I know he loved me. He was a good father and I felt safe with him. These final moments are not real in a way, they do not reflect the person he really is, his true spirit. I try to hold on to his true spirit. That's all I can do...it's the best I can do. Daddy, I love you, I will always love you.

Soy Lorena
12/5/06