Mi Padre

Mi padre era un hombre de pocas palabras, pero era fuerte, fiable, responsable y me quería mucho.
I was safe with my father, I knew he would always take care of me. He was smart too. He knew how to build radios and fix things. He knew about math and the weather and the stars and planets because he loved astronomy. He had a telescope and used to show me all the cool things that were happening up in the night sky.

Le encantaba la magia y sabía hacer muchos juegos como desaparecer cosas o hacerlas aparecer de la nada. Cuando yo era chica, mi papá sabía poner huevos...de veras. Les decia a mis amigos, "My daddy knows how to lay an egg." Tenía tanta confianza en lo que decía yo que creo que mis amigos me creían.

He would take me to see professional magicians who performed in auditoriums in front of a live audience. Once I remember we went to see a hypnotist do a show. He hypnotized two or three people and told them they couldn't lift up a folding chair. They tried and tried and couldn't lift the chair. Then the hypnotist asked me to come up on stage and had me lift the folding chair. I remember the strange looks the hypnotized people on stage gave me, like they couldn't understand how such a little girl could lift that chair. I must have been eight or nine at the time.

Mi papá murió el domingo, el 25 de febrero en una clinica de reposo. He died in a nursing home at the age of 88. I last saw him in December. His mind wasn't the same and he had arthritis in his right hand so bad that it was curled up, painful and basically useless. I don't want to remember him like that. I want to remember him as the strong, caring, dependable father that he was to me. It is hard to lose him, but I know he was not happy being in a body that was no longer serving him. I know he must be happier now. He has siblings on the other side who have been waiting for him, I'm sure. I mourn for him, but it is my loss. I sense he is telling me to lighten up because he has lightened up. He is free now. I need to understand that he is not really "gone" but he is here in my heart. He will always be in my heart and his spirit lives on in my children, (his granddaughters) and my grandson, (his great-grandson).

These are things that never die.

"I wish you a beautiful spiritual journey."

"I love you, Daddy, I don't think I said that enough when you were alive."

Soy Lorena
2/27/07

Every snowfall is unique

Cada nevada es distinta, cada copo de nieve, distinto, cada gota de lluvia, cada grano de arena, cada pizca de tierra, cada cara de nosotros, the shape of your eyes, the sound of my voice, the feel of your skin, the shape of her nose, the curl of his hair.....it's a miracle, es un milagro. ¿Por qué no estamos asombrados de ver todo esto? Why do we walk around like everything is normal and how can we ever be bored? How many people are there in the world? How can each one be different? How many snowflakes are there in one snowfall? How can each one be different? When I stop to think about it I am in total awe of this universe. Es increíble y es sumamente bello. (Hold on, here I go again). Te agradezco, Universo por darme todo esto, por hacer mi vida tan llena de variedad y sorpresas. Hoy me levanté, y ya había nevado anoche y paleamos, etc. pero no me fijé bien en la nieve, nada más pensé, ay, es una nevada pesada, más difícil de palear, se pega, bla, bla.

Pero cuando me desperté y vi todo cubierto de blanco y el sol brillaba, pues, agarré mi camera, me puse mis botas para la nieve y salí. Before it melts, I want to capture this moment before it melts. I want to live every moment to the fullest, I want to be in each moment and let each moment surround me, breathe it in, let it lift me up and take me to wherever it wants to take me because I am part of it, as I am part of you, oh, earth, oh new snowfall. Let me go beyond thinking the snow is just something I have to push around and get it out of my way, let me appreciate this beauty that nature has given me so generously before the temperature rises and it dissapates back into the ground and air. Deja que exprese yo el amor que tengo adentro. It is my attitude that must change, not what happens around me.

So now I shed tears for this beauty, they come naturally, tears, so I may not forget this moment....tears that were once snow from the top of a mountain, tears that were once part of a stream in a faraway place, tears for me and tears for you and tears for the earth. No son lágrmias tristes, son lágrimas de agradecimiento, agradecimiento porque tengo ojos que me dejan ver la belleza que existe aquí, agradecimiento porque tengo dedos que me dejan escribir mis palabras, agradecimiento porque tengo un corazón que me deja sentir el amor que tengo por el Sol, la Luna, las estrellas y todo el Universo.

Les comparto mis lágrimas con ustedes, las personas anónimas que chance lean mis pensamientos.

Here is the beauty I lived this morning. It can be found anywhere, anytime if we just stop to look for it.



Soy Lorena.
2/23/07

Iguana skin!

Photo: Iguana, resting at Uxmal

Iguana, tomando el sol en frente del palacio del gobernador.

Just the other day I happened to see my legs........yikes! Dry, peeling skin, yuck, iguana skin! Oh no!! I know it's been a dry winter and my throat has felt it, but my skin--I've been using body lotion. Y de repente, me di cuenta. I suddenly got it.
Oh, this is my Mexican tan peeling away, flaking skin, copos de piel llevándose su color bronceado, sólo una memoria de los días dichosos que pasé en la Tierra de mi Sol. (Forgive me for getting carried away). Y en seguida otro pensamiento: this is just the top layer of my skin, a meaningless cover, dead cells that must disappear in order to grow new, fresh cells. Nothing is lost really. Nada está perdido porque guardo toda la experiencia muy adentro de mí, no en la superficie, ha penetrado hasta la parte más profunda de mi ser y desde allí ejerce los cambios en mi persona.

Las experiencias son como las pinturas en las cuevas antiguas, todavía allá a través de los siglos... en el pasado y en el presente a la vez. Un mural en Bonampak nos enseña dos personas capturadas sangrándose de los dedos en preparación para el sacrificio.



The original colors are still there, the reds, the blues, they are forever waiting for the honor to be sacrificed.

I've heard that Time doesn't really exist, that it is our invention, or just an illusion that seems to be present on this planet. Then we are in eternity and everywhere simultaneously. I have trouble getting my head around that. Me cuesta trabajo comprenderlo.

Pero poco a poco. Por ahora, parece que estoy "aquí" o sea, el cuerpo está aquí y la mente está en muchos lados al mismo tiempo.

Yes, I'm supposed to calm my mind. Easier said than done.

No tengo preguntas hoy.

Voy a meditar sobre el concepto de la eternidad.

Y también sobre el concepto del tiempo.

A ver que pasa.

Just be in the moment, Lorena.

Okay...

Soy Lorena.
2/21/07

I just found out...

Acabo de enterarme que la química es el estudio de la materia y la energía y las interacciones entre las dos cosas. Matter and energy and the interactions between them. Omigod, where have I been? And Physics is the flip side of the coin, so to speak. Chemistry deals with electrons, and Physics deals more with the nuclear part of the atom. Uh, sure.

What does this have to do with my life here on this earth....mi vida y tu vida y las vidas de todos los seres humanos y las plantas y los animales, etc. etc???? Well, just about everything, I think.

Por ejemplo, nuestro cuerpo está hecho de 65-90% de agua, sí, agua como el agua en la foto. Después, no es sorprendente que la mayor parte del cuerpo es de oxígeno. Then comes Carbon, Hydrogen, Nitrogen, Calcium and Phosphorus. Okay, this is getting a little too complicated for me, the non-science person, the non-mathematical person. Here's what all this makes me think:

¿Dónde estaba el agua de mi cuerpo antes de que se hubiera encontrado adentro de mí? I hope I wrote that right. Where was the water in my body before it found its way into me? Was it in an ocean, the Atlantic, the Pacific, the Indian ocean...or maybe just a pond? ¿Era una nube, una gota de lluvia, un copo de nieve o simplemente un charco ignorado? What stories could that water tell? Is this water why I feel so connected to the Universe...because really I am physically part of it? If I'm breathing the air that was once in China, have I also received its water? (Puedo seguir con las preguntas) ¿Dónde reside mi conciencia...dentro de mi cuerpo o afuera? Where does my consciousness reside, inside or outside my body? If the water in my body came from a powerful waterfall like Niagara, would I be different than if it came from my pond in the back yard? How does the water affect me?

No tengo respuestas, pero son preguntas en que puedo meditar y tal vez algún día las repuestas me lleguen....¿quién sabe?

El Universo es misterioso

y bello

y lleno de preguntas sin respuestas

and I love it here...and I am part of it, and YOU are part of it

and we all need each other.

If I'm so full of water, why do I feel dry unless I'm in the shower or swimming?

Soy Lorena.
2/19/07

"Is there such a thing as an Open Mind?"

"¿Existe tal cosa, una mente abierta?" The question posed by Deepak Chopra in his book Life After Death, or Jamás Moriremos.

We may think we are "open-minded" but we are trapped by our beliefs, our egos and our experience of our existence on this earth. Chopra gives seven steps to opening our mind. (The following is a direct quote from the book).

1. Know that you are going to identify with your worldview at every stage of personal growth. Debes saber que vas a identificarte con tu visión del mundo en cada etapa de crecimiento personal.
2. Accept that these identifications are temporary. You will never be truly yourself until you reach unity. Acepta que esa identificación es temporal. Nunca serás verdaderamente tú hasta que alcances la unidad.
3. Be willing to change your identity every day. Take a flexible attitude. Don't defend an "I" that you know is just temporary. Debes estar dispuesto a modificar tu identidad cada día. Adopta una actitud flexible. No defiendas un "yo" que sabes que es temporal.
4. Allow your ability to quietly observe without judgment to replace the ingrained ideas you reach for automatically. Permite que tu capacidad para observar en silencio sin juzgar, reemplace las ideas enraizadas a las que acudes automáticamente.
5. When you have an impulse to struggle, use that as an immediate signal to let go. Open a space for a new answer to unfold on its own. Cuando tengas el impulso de luchar por algo, utilízalo como señal inmediata para desprenderte de ello. Abre un espacio para que una nueva respuesta se desarrolle por sí misma.
6. When you can't let go, forgive yourself and move on. Cuando no puedas desprenderte de algo, perdónate a ti mismo y sigue adelante.
7. Use every opportunity to tell yourself that all viewpoints are valid, every experience valuable, every insight a moment of freedom. Aprovecha cada oportunidad para recordar que todos los puntos de vista son válidos, todas la experiencias valiosas y todos los descubrimientos un momento de libertad.

(End of quote)

Whew!! He's deep...I'm wondering how many times I must read these seven steps in order to fully understand them and then put them into practice.

I'm thinking now about what happened yesterday. I had a disappointment in my job and then after dinner I had to attend a rehearsal where I am assistant director and also acting in the play. I didn't want to take my sadness to the rehearsal, so when I got there, somehow I went to a place of silliness and used an energy of having fun instead of expressing the sadness I had come home with. I'm sure to those around me I looked happy, but I think in a way I transformed the sad energy into something light-hearted. Does that fit in with step number five....letting go and allowing a "new answer" to unfold? No sé, pero después no sentí la tristeza como antes y la dejé ir o desprendí de ella.

El crecimiento toma su tiempo, como un roble. It doesn't happen overnight. I must accept my growth as it comes...little by little, step by step.

Life is good.

La Vida es buena.

That's what I think anyway, for what it's worth....in this moment.

Soy Lorena.
2/16/07

San Valentín

El Día de los Enamorados, el Día del Amor y la Amistad, el Día de los Novios, Valentine's Day...

We celebrate our love for another person or people on this day, but I'm thinking every day should be the Day of Love, which would mean that every day we acknowledge our love for others, we remember how much better love is than apathy, because you see, the opposite of "love" is not "hate," but apathy or lack of feeling.

Es lo que pienso este día. Para mí no importa cómo empezamos a celebrar el 14 de febrero o el por qué, lo importante es tomar una pausa en la vida cotidiana para expresar lo que sentimos por nuestra gente querida. What better way to think about Valentine's Day than imagine the softness of a lamb resting peacefully in the grass. I took this photo in San Juan Chamula and this baby seemed to like having his picture taken. A few moments later, he got up to go get milk from mama, a moment I did not capture on film because he needed his privacy, and I respected that.

¿Qué es el amor...de veras? Los poetas han escrito mucho sobre el amor, el rock y los "pop songs" hablan del amor casi exclusivamente. Es algo bastante interesante para nosotros. Puede ser algo simplemente biológico, o puede ser algo romántico o totalmente distinto como el amor que sentimos por nuestros hijos y padres. En griego hay cuatro tipos de amor.

AGAPE--unconditional love, spiritual, love of God or Higher Power
FILIA--love of friendship, the love of two or more persons, not as strong as agape.
EROS--physical love, a hug is part of Eros love. Unfortunately, Eros has been identified as sexual love only, which is not consistent with the ancient Greeks.
STORGY--parental love, the love a parent has for his child.

I would like to leave you today with part of a poem by Roberto Cabral. I don't think I could do it justice by trying to translate it into English.

DE TU AMOR Y DE TU OLVIDO

Caminos hacia todos y hacia todo.
Renovado desfile de paisajes
que presiento fecundos en sorpresas.

¿Cuál vamos a vivir de todos estos
posibles porvenires?

¡Y poder serlo todo, y resignarse
a padecer, mañana, la nostalgia
de la pródigas rutas ignoradas..!

A veces siento el ansia
de asirte, y ando a tientas
en el núbil silencio de tu oído.

Pero un oscuro viento
de eternidad se lleva mis palabras.

Caminos hacia todo y hacia todos.

Ya no voy a escuchar a los caminos
que de tu ser me aparten.

Yo he de ver en tus ojos los paisajes
de mis largos senderos inhollados.

Abdicaré en tus hijos este viento
de eternidad que agita mis palabras.

(End of quote)

Old Man Winter decided to send us a gazillion kisses today in the form of 24 hours of snowflakes and other freezing stuff. We are trying really hard to deal with all of this love, but it's not easy since our snow plow died yesterday and we must use the snowblower and shovels. I keep giving thanks for my strong and healthy body that I am able to deal with this powerful gift from our friend Old Man Winter.

Gracias al Universo que tengamos el invierno para poder apreciar la primavera.

Otra vez, gracias.

Thank you. Let my heart always be filled with gratitude...no matter what the day offers me.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

FELIZ DÍA DE SAN VALENTÍN

Soy Lorena
2/14/07

"Abre la puerta..."

"Abre la puerta y entra a la majestuosidad del bosque, descubre entre sus sonidos, colores y formas, la belleza oculta que pocos tienen la fortuna de apreciar."
(Writing on a stone marker at Reserva Ecológica Huitepec)

I say "abre la puerta a todas las experiencias." The photo is inside a temple at Yaxchilan. It is not empty as it may appear but rich and full of a timeless history. Search and you will find the richness there is in seeming emptiness. Busca, es la única manera de encontrarte a ti misma.

Ahora cuando me siento en el silencio encuentro la riqueza que tengo dentro de mí. Sí, soy rica porque vivo en esta planeta que es el hogar de muchos mundos, muchas culturas y muchos lenguajes. Cada lugar nuevo que conozco, cada experiencia singular que tengo, cada conexión humana profunda que me llega me desarrolla el espiritu...and I become a better person, more compassionate, more sensitive and more open. I take one more step on the path to enlightenment, and I know it's a tiny step nonetheless but I'm not worried. I will get there...sooner or later, afterall, I have all of eternity to make it. ;-)

Me despierto temprano todas las mañanas y me asomo a la ventana para ver la Luna. La veo cada mañana hacerse más pequeña poco a poco, pero la acompaña una estrella brillante y todavía da bastante luz aunque su Sol está lejos y mudo, ella sigue brillando y su luz es bella porque tiene esperanza que pronto regrese el Sol para entonces darle lo que necesita para crecer de nuevo y otra vez estar llena en el cielo. La Luna tiene mucha fe y su fe la sostiene.

Buenas noches, querida Luna.

Buenos días, querido y extrañado Sol.

Soy Lorena.
2/11/07

Mirando las nubes

Las nubes en Chiapas o las nubes en Massachusetts....¿son iguales o son distintas?
Bueno, no importa realmente, porque las nubes van cambiando cada momento, lo importante tal vez es...uh...este...(aquí hay una pausa larga). LO IMPORTANTE.

Okay, la pregunta es ¿es importante darnos cuenta de las nubes? O ¿es importante ignorarlas? I guess what I'm asking is should we pay attention to the universe in which we live, or should we just go about our daily activities and ignore that which surrounds us everyday? Should we acknowledge our connection to Nature or should we live our lives walking on concrete and driving on asphalt and accept that as our only reality? I'm reading Deepak Chopra again and he's deep. He says the air we breathe in was breathed out by someone in China. And the air we breathe out goes to someone who needs it....like maybe the trees, I think. Oh, my god. Se siente rara esa idea. Entonces, vamos a tomar un paso más. Si el aire que yo respiro antes estaba en la China, eso quiere decir que "yo" estoy conectada a un lugar tan lejos de mi pequeño mundo, o sea, si estoy conectada a la China y la China me necesita para sobrevivir, eso quiere decir que todas las personas en el mundo se necesitan para su supervivencia.

Mi pregunta ahora es: ¿Por qué demonios estamos matándonos en guerras? ¿De qué sirve?

We are all connected and we need each other. If we kill our neighbors we kill ourselves....duh!

Humanity is one big organ of the earth.

I'm thinking about our connection to the trees and plants. They give us oxygen, we take it in and then give off carbon dioxide which the trees then take in and convert back to oxygen. It's perfect! So, where does the tree end and where do I begin? ¿Dónde empiezo yo y dónde termina el árbol?

¿Dónde termino yo? Where do I end? Maybe I end up watching the clouds and letting life happen in me and through me and in you and through you. Maybe it's as simple as that.

When I sat down to write today, I thought I was going to write about how I'm having a hard time getting back to work, getting back to all of the mundane things I have to do. Pero todo cambia....¿no es cierto?

Mirar las nubes. Watch the clouds. I think I'll spend some time watching the clouds today. The taxes can wait. This is more important. I'm saving China.

Soy Lorena.
2/9/07

¿Dónde estoy?

Where am I really, I've been wondering these last few days since I "returned" to my home to be greeted by the first real snow of the season. ¿Dónde estoy, dónde estaba, dónde he estado? No, no estoy conjugando verbos....I'm not doing verb conjugations, mis alumnos, quiero saber o más bien, entender exactamente por qué me siento cambiada, como si fuera otra persona. Las experiencias que he tenido durante este viaje han sido tan profundas para mí, que realmente no sé cómo encontrar las palabras para explicar bien lo que siento. Lo que sí puedo decir es que existen muchos mundos a la vez. Las ruinas en Chiapas, por ejemplo, vestigios de una civilisación compleja y pasada pero un mundo que todavía existe porque lo visitamos los seres humanos de esta epoca, este siglo veintiuno y lo seguimos creando. We read about the Mayans, there are numerous books, we look at their art, their science, their culture and we marvel. We climb up their stone stairs to the tops of their pyramids and look out trying to imagine what their daily life was really like. We know it took hundreds of years to build some of these cities and we are amazed to think of the stamina and perseverance of these people. And I say this world still exists. It is not gone. Lo veo en las caras de la gente que anda en las calles dónde caminaba yo y lo veo en los ritos y ceremonias que sigue haciendo la gente de los pueblos de hoy, tradiciones y costumbres que viven al lado del mundo de la gente moderna del siglo veintiuno. For a moment we touched. I touched and felt this other world that I would not otherwise touch had I not stepped out of my "world" and allowed myself to enter in to unknown and mysterious places. ¿Dónde estoy? I'm not sure. Am I here or am I still there?
In my head I still see the richness of what I have experienced, I have vivid mental pictures, but my body and hands are doing what I must to catch me up back into this "world" where I spend most of my time.

¿Dónde estaba? Bajo el Sol mexicano que me quemó con su amor y traigo la prueba en mi piel bronzeada.

¿Dónde he estado? Where have I not been? seems more appropriate. Yes, I have been only in a tiny piece of a world, but it is huge at the same time. And if this doesn't make sense, well, it doesn't have to. Some part of me understands.

Ahora el frío me abraza con su temperatura de -15 centigrados, 4 F. Es un frío que penetra hasta los huesos. Ayer salí para hacer ejercicio, pero hoy no me atreví....I didn't dare, I just danced indoors and left the cold to itself. Now there is sunshine. It helps to ease the cold a little.

Soy Lorena
2/5/07