Mayahuel at 30 thousand feet

I'm flying over the Rocky Mountains listening to my favorite music and my world feels like a dream. I no longer hold my breath while I'm in the air, I trust the Universe totally, I allow it to take me where it will and I follow along like an obedient puppy. Somehow I trust that I will live another day. La vida incluye mucho más de lo que podemos imaginar cuando nos encontramos aquí concientes de nuestro aliento y nuestros pensamientos. We don't know what it has in store for us, each day offers something unexpected or surprising or new or challenging...and then it changes, and we go along like an obedient puppy. How many years did it take for these stones to become smoothe? ¿Cuántos años pasarán hasta que nos despertemos de este sueño? Me fascinan las piedras, las toco, me dan una tranquilidad inexpresable, las levanto, las acaricio y las dejo dónde están, las miro buscando mensajes en sus colores, sus diseños, quiero acostarme encima de ellas para que sea parte de su eternidad...pero no lo hago. No soy la única persona aquí en la playa, pero estoy aquí, por un momento estoy aquí...en la playa, en el oeste, en la Tierra, en el Universo.


Cuatro días afuera y regresamos a ver los narcisos salidos y el pasto casi todo verde, parece milagro pero la primavera sí llegó. No me deja dormir mi luna, brilla borrosa a través del cristal todavía cubierto de las gotas de lluvia que cayeron en la tarde, mientras mi cuerpo piensa que son las ocho (hora de California) y no las once (hora de acá). Siempre me pasa después de ir al oeste. It's as if part of me is still out west trying to live pacific daylight time, rejecting my Eastern roots where the weather can be harsh and unforgiving. Oh, well.

And so we go along like an obedient puppy, from the extraordinary to the ordinary, agri-dulce, joy and sadness exist side by side, I laugh, I cry, my laughing tears mix with my crying tears and it all rolls into one big feeling of sadness, sinking feeling in the stomach, un día hay luz, otro día hay sombra, y así es, and I can't change what life has decided to give me, I must accept what is, no me queda otra, I have no choice in the matter. I want to say "Damn, damn, damn," but that does no good, nothing is changed...it is what it is, es lo que es, ni modo.

Contrastes otra vez.

Risa y llanto.

Vienes y te vas.

You come and go...we come and go.

el anhelo

The waves never crash against the shore the same way twice.

She is gone.

I want her back.

Soy Lorena.
4/26/07

Can we take a break now?

Una pausa...un descanso, a nap, a siesta...something??? Please??

Is it possible to actually be tired of having a good time? Tired of fiestas and celebrations, tired of standing on my feet with a glass of wine in my hand, smiling and listening to someone talk about something that I'm not sure I'm interested in, but trying to be pleasant? No, that's not quite right. I really do enjoy talking with people. It's just that I get full quickly...it's like eating, I'm hungry, I eat and then I'm full and I don't want to eat anymore. I guess I get full of "people," there comes a moment when they fill me up and I have to go away and be alone for awhile. I can be alone for long periods of time...tal vez demasiado tiempo, si es que existe "demasiado tiempo." ¿Qué será "demasiado tiempo?" Depende...varia de persona a persona.

Ayer, Pascua, Easter, the last of the celebrations for awhile. Qué divertido tener a la familia, mis hijas y mi nieto aquí. Teo dice que debieran cobrar la entrada, son tan divertidos, nos reímos mucho, nos acordamos de algunos momentos del pasado. Según Lisa, yo andaba todo el tiempo pasando la aspiradora, y que su papá le pagaba un dólar si tragara un huevo crudo, y lo hacía. ¿Dónde estaba yo? le pregunto, no me acuerdo de eso. Es curioso cómo cada persona tiene distinta memoria de los eventos, de su niñez. Seguramente los recuerdos que yo tengo de mi niñez serían diferentes a los que tendrían mis papás de mi niñez.

In years past we would have called my parents, the grandparents of my daughters, on the phone to wish them a Happy Easter. Alex would have spoken to them on the phone. I would hear him say "What? What?" Then each daughter would take the phone send their wishes through the lines long distance. Now all that has changed. They are not there, but the good news is--they were here with us yesterday. I invited them and they came, both of them. I felt them, I saw them above our heads.

Te dejo con este misterio.

I will leave you with this mystery to ponder.

I will only say that "el más allá" no está allá, está aquí.

Our loved ones are right here with us...really.

Soy Lorena.
4/9/07

You think you're "safe" in April?

¿Ya pasó lo peor? Hah! Think again, this is New England, the land of unpredictability. You think April 5th is Springtime? Hah! Old man Winter has other ideas....it's a winter wonderland today. It's thirty degrees, we have three inches of wet, heavy snow to deal with. This Sunday is Easter. How will the Easter Bunny hop through all this wet snow? Will the snow still be here on Sunday? Who knows? Is this Global Warming? Who knows? We are at the mercy of the elements, the whims of the gods, the chaos of the Universe........But wait! Is the Universe chaotic....really? Parece que hay caos, pero la verdad de las cosas puede ser totalmente distinta. "Things are not what they seem," has been said on more than one occasion. Hmmmmm.

Ayer estaba leyendo sobre nuestro sistema solar, es tan curioso, todas las planetas son increíblemente distintos a nuestro planeta, la Tierra. Venus tiene unas temperaturas tan calientes que pueden derretir el metal, ninguna vida podría sobrevivir allá. Marte, al contrario, es el extremo opuesto, o sea, sumamente frío, no puede tener agua en una forma líquida. Los días de los planetas varían tanto, algunos son rápiditos, otros se tardan mucho más que un día en la Tierra. Imagine a day with more than 24 hours....oh, what we could accomplish! Our days seem to go faster and faster. But that's not the point here. The point is, why and how did this happen? Why is it that our Earth is the only planet in this solar system that can sustain life? And why are we destroying it? There's no other planet we can escape to if this one gets ruined. We couldn't even live on our moon.

We are spinning in space and yet we remain in the same orbit around the sun. All of the planets are moving constantly in their orbits and miraculously they don't crash into each other or spin off into outer space or decide to do something else. Nosotros vemos las mismas estrellas que veían nuestros ancestros....qué interesante. Tomaban el mismo agua, repiraban el mismo aire que nosotros, se calentaban con el mismo Sol, caminaban en la misma Tierra. Tal vez mis lágrimas sean las mismas que lloraban mis ancestros...well, you can get a little crazy thinking about all of this. It just makes me realize how connected we all are.

The sun has been peeking through the thick layer of clouds out there. I am being pulled to go outside and have a closer look. I miss my glorious Sun, hace mucho que no ha aparecido acá. Mi bello Sol, allí está llamándome........ya voy, ya voy mi querido Sol.

Otra vez mi laberinto está tapado de nieve...ay, mejor me río, ¿qué más puedo hacer?

My snow may be in your water glass someday.

Think about it.

I am you.

You are me.

Soy Lorena.
4/5/07

April Fool's Day...shhh

The ground is frosty, hard again, sparkly, destellada, the air cool and crisp. Quietos, quietos, no tricks please, the moon is reaching her maximum beauty, her brilliance just there for all to see, su belleza simplemente es, nada más, nada menos y somos parte de toda esta belleza. Los patos están tranquilos flotando en el estanque, mirándome desde lejos caminar en el laberinto while I take in this new day, the first of April....oops, I mean the first day of a new month. Los árboles se ponen listos para brotar durante este mes, pronto, por favor, quiero ver las hojas de nuevo.

So there I was watching the sky, seeing dancing angels and wispy shapes float by and I had a negative thought, a criticism of someone, yikes, I don't want to do that, pero la mente, no hay que darle tanta importancia a veces, la mente anda en su onda y piensa cosas que YO no quiero pensar, ni modo, ya lo hizo, pero...then I thought, okay, let's balance that thought with a positive thought about that person, that's what I did, it was kind of like veering off the right track and then getting back on it again. A sort of antidote.

Anoche llegaron los amigos de Teo para celebrar su cumpleaños y en un momento cuando todos estábamos en la sala platicando, pensé "qué buenas personas son todos, qué buenos amigos tiene Teo," and I was grateful that these people are now in my life. Some of them he has known most of his adult life, since his kids were babies, and I felt a part of all of this, I felt accepted by these people who are newer for me. It was a beautiful energy in the room, my children, Ted's children and all his friends. Presentamos nuestra canción cómica, Teo "cantando" y yo tocando el piano, se reían, fue divertido, el tiempo pasó rápido y durante todo mi Luna nos miraba por la claraboya con su luz y sonrisa hermosa.

So, today's another day.

A new beginning, the first day of the rest of your life. Remember that?

Es la hora de sonreír.

Try this...next time you say something out of anger to another person, say it again with a smile on your face.

Si estás enojado, sonríete y mira lo que pasa.

I can't take credit for that last idea, it came from a Buddhist monk.

May your life be rich with love and beauty.

Que tu vida este llena de amor y belleza.

Soy Lorena.
4/1/07