Lies are not Real

The wind is wild today, angry, blowing as if to release some dark pent-up energy. I am reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, a book that has grabbed my attention from the very first page and allowed me to delve into my own deep recesses of unexplored experience.

I am coming to realize how powerful the truth is, how dishonesty breeds distrust, how from a very young age I knew I could not trust my mother. This makes me sad, my most very basic caretaker I was afraid of. I knew she loved me in her own way, in a smothering kind of way. Why could she not tell me the truth? Why did she always deceive me? I remember her telling me when I asked her why she lied to me, You couldn’t understand! But I could understand and I did understand because I distrusted her. I knew she lied to me. Consequently, there were many things I did not tell her as I was growing up. Looking back now as an adult I do not blame her for her dishonesty. She was doing the best she could with the knowledge she had at that time. She tried to protect me and she was a very generous person. But I see how much I value the truth and when someone is not entirely honest with me I feel a deep sadness that comes from my childhood, that lack of trust and I only want truthful relationships with the people in my life.

I know we all tell white lies so as not to hurt someone’s feelings, but really, how does this protect us? I would rather hear the real words, though they may be harsh, for the sweetened lies contain a bitterness deep within them. How can I grow if the truth is kept from me? How can I learn?

The wind is wild today, it longs for only the truth. May the truth simply be and be accepted.

Soy Lorena.
12/30/08

(Mañana español, el silencio y la paz)